It just sits there, a meaningless object, having little to do with my attempt to be religious. It is no longer on my head to remind me of Him. In fact, I realize that I lost my kippah many years ago, the moment I decided to wear it all the time. Now, 45 years later, I am so used to my kippah that I have developed a love-hate relationship with it. Not because of what my non-Jewish friends would say (they were most sympathetic), but because of what I would feel. What a magnificent and majestic feeling! Living in the presence of God! I think I was a bit afraid of it. My kippah reminded me that there was Somebody above me. It made me proud, and I was filled with awe. I needed to take it off so that whenever I’d put it on again, I’d feel it on my head. There was no one else there of Jewish descent besides my dear brother and perhaps one more person. I even dared to sit with my kippah when having a snack with my non-Jewish friends from the Gymnasium, the high school I attended in Holland. When I began to be interested in Judaism and considered sincerely “giving it a try,” I started covering my head when I went to synagogue and when I ate. It is always on my head and therefore never there. Its main purpose is to disturb, but every morning when I get out of my bed and put it on, it then disappears into my subconscious. The problem is that my kippah no longer carries this message. Not as a spiritual condition but as an act of elevation and moral grandeur. I want to put it on as a daring religious act, a declaration to God that I wish to live in His presence. I want to put my kippah on, but I realize that to do so I need to take it off. Now I realize that one of the main reasons for my failure to be religious is my kippah. Halacha is a challenge to the soul, not its tranquilizer. People are more afraid of halacha than they are in love with God. This is the “dullness of observance,” a religious conditioning which turns genuine religiosity and the experience of God into a farce. To be worthy.īut for many observant Jews, religion means living in security and peace of mind.
Klipped kippah 3 for 30 how to#
To teach us how to confront ourselves when standing in the presence of God and never give up, even against all odds. Faith is contingent on the courage of the believer. Only a pioneer can be heir to a religious tradition. As the Kotzker Rebbe once said, if you cannot win, you must win. The way to reach God is through spiritual warfare, and all we can hope for is to catch a glimpse of His existence. To become religious is to face opposition, even of oneself – to dare, to defy. But does this happen? For it to occur, much more has to be accomplished. But does it accomplish that goal? Halacha is the external garment of an inner spiritual process which should be stimulated by those very halachic acts. But is it? It should teach us that even our trivialities need to become holy and be worthy of God, so that our common deeds reach Heaven. Halacha should be a constant reminder, an appeal to be attentive to Him, even in the midst of our day-to-day mundane affairs. It is to have a constant, intense awareness of being in His presence, seeing His fingerprints everywhere, and living up to that awareness. To be religious is to allow God entry into my thoughts, my deeds, what I see and what I feel. Sure, living in accordance with halacha is certainly a crucial component of being religious, but it is not what makes me religious.
I want to be religious, and that is an entirely different story. My problem is that I don’t want to be observant. It’s far from easy and boy, do I fail!īut that is not my problem. Oh yes, I am observant, even “very observant.” I try to live by every possible halacha.
genuinely religious, but so far I have bitterly failed. In fact, I want to become more religious and have come to the conclusion that my kippah prevents me from doing so.Īll my life I am trying to become religious, i.e. I have no intention of becoming irreligious, or even less religious. Original printing in Israel’s Hebrew weekly Makor Rishon newspaper, December 2009ĭon’t be shocked. Reprinted at the request of many who attended Limmud Conference, Warwick, UK, December 2011
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